i asked...you answered

for the past few weeks i've been asking God this question....

'God, why is it that most people come to serve you after some sort of loss, tragedy or the in the midst of pain?' because truthfully i didn't understand it. God is good, why not serve him when things are good? why go running to him when something horrible happens to you.

this question coming from my lukewarm heart. i became content in my own happiness without even realizing it. telling other people to not be happy in who or what is in their life, but to happy in God. without even seeing that was exactly where i was.

and then on tuesday, my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me.

i thought i was going to die. he was the love of my life. i loved him like i have loved no other. he was the good in my life. he was my happiness. he was the reason i smiled. he was my bliss. i thought our love would be the one that lasted forever, never getting tired to repeat the story of how we met. and he broker my heart no warning. nothing. over email. i read it at work. i thought i was going to die.

i lost all will to eat, i couldn't sleep. i cried for the whole week. made the most mistakes at work. had to take bathroom breaks every hour to go into the stall and bawl. the whole time asking God 'why?' 'why did you allow this to happen to me? he was my happiness'

and God spoke to my heart and my spirit at a young adult retreat i decided to attend last minute, because i didn't want to be cooped up in my room dealing with my pain alone.

'I am your happiness'
'I am your bliss'
'he will not love you forever, but i will'

and the process of healing began. and i understood. knowing and reciting God is good is different from knowing God as your healer, the one that loves you soo intensely with a love that doesn't relent. knowing him as the one who wakes you up is different from knowing him as the one that literally keeps you together. when you go through an experience that reveals God on a different level in your life, the relationship becomes that much stronger, that much more intense and that much more real.

yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me. so what. right? *shrugs*

through this experience i have truly felt the forever love of God like never before. i loved sweet thing with an intense love that happens once in a lifetime, and God had to take that away for me to see Him as the intense love that lasts a lifetime. we often say it, but don't understand it. God is jealous for us. not of us. for us. and when we as christians place possessions or people on the same level or above God, His intense love yearns for us even more and doesn't relent. and that was where sweet thing was 'he was my bliss. my happiness'

(many more experiences and lessons have come from this and i will be sharing.)
i have also learned to be careful what i ask, even in simple questioning, because the understanding comes at price.

this is the song that really began the healing process this weekend. i have always loved this song. but know i can say i truly know and understand this song.