one minute writer: school

when I was in school my favorite subject was history.

now im a writer and a very proud one, writing is the air I breathe, but there is something about history, and facts and dates that get my blood racing in a way that writing can’t. I was especially obsessed with WW2, the holocaust, ancient civilizations, and mythology, and the history of words.

I love to research, which is inherently coupled with my love and past obsession with reading. I will research anything and anyone. research is an aspect of life that is fun to me, venturing into the unknown to find out a morsel of information….

*pending orgasm*

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hashtag #uppercut

I've missed blogging, oh so much! topics to blog on have been floating around my head for weeks and months, so I'm excited that my girl autumn @ms geek goddess  and i have challenged ourselves to blog once a day for the entire week. granted i missed a few days...BUT it will not damper my spirit! i will succeed! i will finish what i have started.

now, I know majority of you have seen this 'bus driver uppercuts female passenger' video that went viral a few days ago. if you haven't you can view it here. from the minute that video was mentioned everyone has been talking about it, and the opinions have been flying in all sorts of directions.

I, however haven't been throwing my opinion in the pool of ideals, because frankly im sick and tired of this newest conversation topic. why? because it has become a joke, hashtag #uppercut, it has become a phrase to demean the severity of the issue.

abuse has not now, nor ever will be funny. the shit is not funny. a younger black woman being billigerant, loud, and ignorant verbally assaulting an older black man who in return was verbally assaulting her back is not funny. when she reached out and assualted his physical being as he operated a moving vehicle, potentially causing harm to other drivers, pedestrians and those on the bus was not funny. when he got fed up, stood up and punched her in her face causing her to fall, before throwing her and her belongings off the bus, was not funny. nothing about this situation is funny, but like the people we are, we are able to find and/or create humor from every situation, especially the ones that make us uncomfotable when it reveals the true nature of our humanity.

there are so many underlying issues that are present in this situation, that no one is really touching on, and frankly if i was to touch on them all, this would be a long ass post. so i'll end it here and pick it up another day.

tell me, what was your initial impression of the video/situation, and has it changed?

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middle finger to the story, i want the happy ending

i believed this once. whole heartedly in fact. i knew he was going to break my heart, but i was being adventurous, throwing caution and sense to the wind, and i decided to continue the relationship, simply because i wanted him in my life for however long fate would allow.

and then he broke my heart. and i died a million deaths. and i have not been the same woman since. almost 2 years have passed and i am still not who i am before or during our time together, and i probably will never see that me ever again.

so i call bullshit. and loudly. i want the happy ending. screw the story, i'm only taking the journey if i know it will end up in a field of flowers, rainbows, ice cream and amazing sex. if it's not ending up there, i don't want it! *middle finger to the law*

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so what's new...

...well the most noticeable 'new' for sure is that i cut off all my hair. yep, all gone. scalp. and black fuzz.


it's one of those things i have always wanted to do, and preluding all the other changes i want to make, this was perfect as the first one. not done for fashion or vanity, it was actually vanity that was making me 2nd guess the decision to go ahead and do it, but i did it for change. i needed to be pushed out of my own human experience, i need to find my womanity apart from my own conceived beauty.

i wan(ted) to be stretched as a human, a christian, a woman, and a poet/artist.
i need(ed) to find myself vulnerable, and scared to move forward, so i could push myself forward.
above all, i need to discover me. Lamoi, pronounced like a kiss.

and i am finding myself. people ask me 'how do you feel?' and i answer truthfully from my core, 'i feel like a woman, i feel beautiful, i feel sexy, i feel...'

.....and i love when mr. wonderful rubs and massages my head, especially when i'm sleeping and in the random moments when we're watching a movie and he looks at me with love filled eyes.

this massive 'loss of self' is the beginning to finding myself. and i love her already.

peace and love.

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a crystal light and vodka to 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

i hope you all had a great christmas and a well worth it celebratory new years!
we made yet.....yet we are so far, why is that?

a co-worker asked me today what my new years resolutions were, i told her i didn't believe in them. i believe that when one recognizes that change needs to be made, changes should be made... note: i am born procrastinator and i don't want to give my slackness anymore excuses to not act...now.

and i think that is partly our problem, we build up with fantastical fascination the epicness of our changes, and the change gets lost in the hoohaa

so my goal for 2012 is to act when the need to act bites me in my ass. and not to wait until 2013.

i will talk to you soon loves.
<3

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love is in the air....

once again i have been raised from the blogger dead...lol
but what can i say? life has been good. sooo good. i'm always smiling and i would love to give updates, but not all in one post, that would be crazy.

so, i will start with the nicest updates of all.
i am involved with an amazing man who i like to call mr.wonderful. as many of you know i am or was a cougar in training, so it's a surprise to many people and still to me that he is 9 yrs older than me. and i am falling in love with him. he has my heart, and he doesn't even know it. i refuse to tell him 'i love you' first because i want the experience of saying ' i love you too', so i wait patiently.

we became official July 28, 2011 (his birthday) and we will be 3mnths strong (lol) the end of this month.

i know many of you if not all will be as happy for me as i am for myself.
and yes as i am writing this, i am smiling.


if you tweet follow me: @LaLaArdor

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next up: July 8, 2011

where i will be performing next....

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too fine to drink the crazy juice...

i find it hilarious when one of the first questions a man asks upon meeting a woman is 'are you crazy?'
i've been asked that question a few times, and i hit them with the only crazy they will ever see from me...the WTH have you been smoking look...i'm not about all of that.

i know the mister was expecting me to be crazy, tracking him down and calling down his phone, telling him i was sorry and wanted him back (see best break up convo ever here). little did he know his number was deleted 1month before i offically built the curb and kicked him to it, and i had already started dating lev *shrugs*

i don't have time for all of that! being crazy, vengeful and pathetic takes time and effort, time i could be spending doing other things like bettering myself and my life to be prepared for someone better. and why would i go out of my way to make myself look like a fool? answer me....

i can't even no longer say i'm too pretty to be crazy because it's the pretty in the face but loose in the brains one's that are messing it up for all of us who don't give a dry foot back about nobody.

seriously,  whatever you give me will never be enough for me to want to stalk you, call down your job, harrass your next girl, become bff's with the parentals to stalk you third party..etc.no man is worth all that time and energy.  plus i doubt you'll be the one leaving me.

and if you are the one leaving me, best believe my saucy 'tude will play like i'm the one that left you.

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sucks a big toe

sooo, i went to a ‘perspectives in poetry’ night, put on by a great woman and newbie poet/spoken word dabbler, and it was great. the ladies there were amazing and full of love and sincerety. i was only expecting to share a poem because she asked me to, but instead i ended up sharing a very painful experience from my childhood that still affects me to this day.

through that God really knocked it home to me that our pain is someone else’s healing, as someone approached me later in the evening to share her story of abuse.

our pain is never our own. someone needs to hear that you survived, so that they too can survive. stories need to be told.

tell your’s.

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best break-up convo ever

the mister: date me tonight
me: if i remember correctly, we're not dating anymore...am i missing something?
the mister: hold up are you saying u don't want to? let me know where i shud draw the line, so we can make
this extremely easy
me:...................
the mister: forget it. just delete my number. thanks
....and the rebound is over

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still looking for my healed days

so much to talk about. loves! i have sooo much to tell you!
i will start off with trauma. today during BOZO rehearsal, our director who is an abuse and addiction specialist was talking about a conference she attended, and one of the topics was trauma. and immediately i was brought back to when i was 6years old.

i hate that i keep going back to that age and time. and trauma, but i can't pretend like it didn't exist. like my  female family member never touched me and impressioned upon me such confusion. i try to pretend that my affections are 'righteous', but the truth is, they're not. and i'm not.

i am definitely still broken by this. but i remember and cling to the fact that God is a healer, and he's healing me, yeah it's taking a lot longer than i had anticipated, because we all expect to cry and daddy runs to our rescue and everything is instantly perfect. and all dragons are slayed. but that's not always the case and healing does take time.

so time take your time. i will try to be kind to you. i warn you though, i will have my bad days. but i look forward to my healed days.

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says who...

what you do and how you do it are two of the most important things in this world.

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been a hot minute though...

it's been a hot minute since i've here...wow! i would love to say i'm back for good, but my life as been hectic busy with all sorts of goodness. i know those that truly love me will be proud of me., i really don't care about those that don't.

and boy, do i have a lot of stories to tell you guys.
but enough about me....how are you?

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another 'ahem' begger

i really can't with men begging for sex. asking is one thing, because we all have the right to ask for what we want even if we don't get it, but when asking turns into 'please...please...please....please.....please....please'

-_- 

back when i was the kisser (over a year ago! mahn how time flies) i wrote about an 'ahem' begger. who would call me all the time, and by call i mean text too, asking me to sleep with him. omg...he would not let up, it became sooo unnattractive, like son! you have lost any form of points you had.

well, the 'ahem' begger has reincarnated. not only does dude beg for sex but also for any other kind of sexual stimulation. like, i know you want to be all up in me, but damn! no is no. persistence is one thing when you are trying to woo a girl, she turns you down and you try again, some can say that it's attractive. but when it comes to a girl giving her body, or pieces of to you, when she says no, she means no. and if she does end up giving it to you it's not because she sincerely wants to, it's to shut your begging arse up *exclamation point*

so, don't go asking her 'did you enjoy that' because even though her lips may say yes to spare your ego, her eyes will shoot 'no!' right at your's.

i really can't with the 'ahem' beggers.

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haha, found you

i've found my insecurites again.
not being good enough. not being pretty enough. christian enough. tall enough. polished enough. not smart enough. damn i can go on and on.

not being worth it.
sigh.

i don't know why. no, i do know why. i've always been insecure, but i've learned to fake my courageous amazingness. i want to say that other's have contributed to my loud mutedness, but i don't know if that is entirely true. but deep down i know it is because no one is born with a feeling of impending worthlessness. every one is born with the ability to just BE who they are. and love that person. and i don't think i love who i am.

i'm the queen of 'fake it til you make it'. but now i'm tired and only want to hibernate til life is over.

damn. i have a lot of issues.
lol

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one to seven...

...of my weird habits

* smelling my food before i eat it
* check for my car keys a million times a day to make sure i didn't lock them in my car
* looking at my work after a number 2
* holding my breathe before i enter a bathroom
* hot showers even in extremely hot weather
* smelling toddlers feet
* holding full conversations with myself. in public.

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my, how time flies

wow! where has the time gone, i think about you all the time, but i guess that's good enough because i don't write...i've been maddeningly busy, but i guess that's not good enough too.

i'm sorry.

well, to make up here is my life rundown...(i hope this is ok)

1. 'my date with bozo' opening night was a huge success. i have come so far from the stuttering nervous 'i'm not an actress' to 'i can see myself doing it on a reg'. i love it. my love for the stage has been heightened, i love it. adore it. the crowd loved the show, they laughed, awwed and were sincerely delighted at the happy ending. it was great. smooth (my highschool sweetheart) was also in the audience with his brother and brother's girlfriend, and they loved it, but he wasn't happy about my on-stage love though. he was very jealous, it was cute. 2 more shows and then it will be over. and that makes me sad.

2. i've been seeing this guy for a few months now, and things are ok, but not great. we use to spend sooo much time together, and now we barely see each other. somethings happened that strained the relationship, the main one being i don't want to be in a relationship...it's too soon. and that seems to frustrate him. i don't know how long this will last, i like him..but....*shrugs*

3. i've basically stopped swearing. *applauding myself*, once in a while i am tempted to drop a bomb, but God keeps my mouth together. when i was with sweetthing, my mouth became soo foul, granted it was always foul, since my 2nd year of university, but being with him caused it to be downright disgusting, and now that's he's gone, it's diminished, greatly. and for this i'm thankful, bcause a woman with a foul mouth is very unattractive and very un-Christ like.

4. i dyed my hair blonde. i'm still waiting for the 'more fun part though'. but i love it, it has brightened up my face and really enhanced my confidence (as if i need more confidence). my parents hate it and secretly i love that too. lol

5. i 'came out' to my mother. that is a story for another day.

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with this ring...

i guess i'm guilty *shrug*
but ask me if i care.

the mister and i were out to dinner last night, and we were checking out our waitress ashley...he then commented on the fact that she was engaged. we'll leave my response out of the story....somehow he asking for our bill turned into 'so, how long have you been engaged?' *gag me* turns out homegirl was not engaged, didn't even have a boyfirend. so apparently we are guilty together.
guilty of wearing rings on our 'forbidden' finger.

his response 'that's just weird!'
give me a break! *insert mild neck wagging*

there are many reasons why women wear rings on their commitment finger other than marriage
*commitment to purity and God (which is the most common)
*commitment to themselves and their own worth
*commitment to warding of creeps and to remaining uninterested
*commitment to fashion (i mean you only have so much fingers to wear gorgeous rings on, may as well use all of them...right?)

i started wearing a ring on my left hand when i hit my mid 20's, more so because i got sooo tired of men always trying to chat me up, and it became a slight deterent. for the men that just didn't care whether i was taken or not, i resorted to just showing them my attitude instead.

gone are the days when supersition ruled and a jeweled commitement finger meant doom, bad luck and tainted. and well, gone soon will be the days when men see the ring as a 'do not touch' sign, thanks to loose females and homewreckers, cheating has become as easy and almost as acceptable as the bad smell oozing from the bathroom stall...everyone smells it, few will screw up their face and ask 'who did that?'

sacred is as sacred does. (does that even make sense?)
even though the mister told me not to wear mine because he finds it weird, i'm commited to myself, my worth and my gorgeous rings that only come in ring finger size.

so i guess i'll remain guilty for a while longer.

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quote it...

'You can be anything you want, except for my downfall'

timothy.d

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one to seven...

...'i wills' for 2011

*i will keep my room spotless...well, clean. (i am hopelessly messy)
*i will buy myself something expensive every month, preferebly on the 28th
*i will walk and live in complete honesty
*i will indulge shamelessly in obsessions and passions (like my newest one...WATCHES!)
*i will probably fall in love
*i will enhance my sexy
*i will blog more

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