middle finger to the story, i want the happy ending

i believed this once. whole heartedly in fact. i knew he was going to break my heart, but i was being adventurous, throwing caution and sense to the wind, and i decided to continue the relationship, simply because i wanted him in my life for however long fate would allow.

and then he broke my heart. and i died a million deaths. and i have not been the same woman since. almost 2 years have passed and i am still not who i am before or during our time together, and i probably will never see that me ever again.

so i call bullshit. and loudly. i want the happy ending. screw the story, i'm only taking the journey if i know it will end up in a field of flowers, rainbows, ice cream and amazing sex. if it's not ending up there, i don't want it! *middle finger to the law*

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love is in the air....

once again i have been raised from the blogger dead...lol
but what can i say? life has been good. sooo good. i'm always smiling and i would love to give updates, but not all in one post, that would be crazy.

so, i will start with the nicest updates of all.
i am involved with an amazing man who i like to call mr.wonderful. as many of you know i am or was a cougar in training, so it's a surprise to many people and still to me that he is 9 yrs older than me. and i am falling in love with him. he has my heart, and he doesn't even know it. i refuse to tell him 'i love you' first because i want the experience of saying ' i love you too', so i wait patiently.

we became official July 28, 2011 (his birthday) and we will be 3mnths strong (lol) the end of this month.

i know many of you if not all will be as happy for me as i am for myself.
and yes as i am writing this, i am smiling.


if you tweet follow me: @LaLaArdor

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hearts are stupid.

i find myself afraid to love.
terrifingly afraid.

when sweet thing left he really did a piece of work on my heart. broke it. not only my heart, but me. he broke me. broke what i thought about myself, broke who and what i wanted to be with someone. in love.
one day happy and caring for each other intensely. loving me. the next, i am no longer worth the effort, the work to be great with someone.

i am no longer the hopeless romantic i used to be. i no longer believe in fairytales. fairytales are for losers. and i am no longer a loser, i am awesomeness. if cold.

but this dude right here, he makes me want to love. his pursuing of me, makes me smile sideways, and even though i am pretty sure my insecurities are scaring him, he wants to hold my baggage and help me unpack them and that's scaring me. is there such a thing named love. do stomach butterflies really exist or are there figments of our imagination when given the drug that half closes eyes and gives the angels their angelic voices.

i'm not saying i will fall in love with dude, he doesn't even have a nickname yet...i am the queen of nicknames and he doesn't have one yet. signs of the good, the different? the lasting....? i am definitely in like with dude...but love is for losers. i mean, that's what i tell myself, because deep down i no longer believe i am worth the effort, the work to be great with someone.

but he makes me believe that i could one day...

and even though i am liking him more than a crush, it's been a little over a month since my world was shattered and the love of my life broke my heart. i no longer cry, but i do. i'm not ready to love. not ready to just be. not even ready to be touched, because my body still remembers...

my heart is no longer my own, in the midst of tears and pain i gave it back to God, vowing that any man that wants it needs to go to him (my daddy) to get it. dude makes me forget that vow, my heart wants to leap into his open hands and snuggle there.

but hearts are stupid.
i no longer will be.

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i asked...you answered

for the past few weeks i've been asking God this question....

'God, why is it that most people come to serve you after some sort of loss, tragedy or the in the midst of pain?' because truthfully i didn't understand it. God is good, why not serve him when things are good? why go running to him when something horrible happens to you.

this question coming from my lukewarm heart. i became content in my own happiness without even realizing it. telling other people to not be happy in who or what is in their life, but to happy in God. without even seeing that was exactly where i was.

and then on tuesday, my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me.

i thought i was going to die. he was the love of my life. i loved him like i have loved no other. he was the good in my life. he was my happiness. he was the reason i smiled. he was my bliss. i thought our love would be the one that lasted forever, never getting tired to repeat the story of how we met. and he broker my heart no warning. nothing. over email. i read it at work. i thought i was going to die.

i lost all will to eat, i couldn't sleep. i cried for the whole week. made the most mistakes at work. had to take bathroom breaks every hour to go into the stall and bawl. the whole time asking God 'why?' 'why did you allow this to happen to me? he was my happiness'

and God spoke to my heart and my spirit at a young adult retreat i decided to attend last minute, because i didn't want to be cooped up in my room dealing with my pain alone.

'I am your happiness'
'I am your bliss'
'he will not love you forever, but i will'

and the process of healing began. and i understood. knowing and reciting God is good is different from knowing God as your healer, the one that loves you soo intensely with a love that doesn't relent. knowing him as the one who wakes you up is different from knowing him as the one that literally keeps you together. when you go through an experience that reveals God on a different level in your life, the relationship becomes that much stronger, that much more intense and that much more real.

yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me. so what. right? *shrugs*

through this experience i have truly felt the forever love of God like never before. i loved sweet thing with an intense love that happens once in a lifetime, and God had to take that away for me to see Him as the intense love that lasts a lifetime. we often say it, but don't understand it. God is jealous for us. not of us. for us. and when we as christians place possessions or people on the same level or above God, His intense love yearns for us even more and doesn't relent. and that was where sweet thing was 'he was my bliss. my happiness'

(many more experiences and lessons have come from this and i will be sharing.)
i have also learned to be careful what i ask, even in simple questioning, because the understanding comes at price.

this is the song that really began the healing process this weekend. i have always loved this song. but know i can say i truly know and understand this song.

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