hearts are stupid.

i find myself afraid to love.
terrifingly afraid.

when sweet thing left he really did a piece of work on my heart. broke it. not only my heart, but me. he broke me. broke what i thought about myself, broke who and what i wanted to be with someone. in love.
one day happy and caring for each other intensely. loving me. the next, i am no longer worth the effort, the work to be great with someone.

i am no longer the hopeless romantic i used to be. i no longer believe in fairytales. fairytales are for losers. and i am no longer a loser, i am awesomeness. if cold.

but this dude right here, he makes me want to love. his pursuing of me, makes me smile sideways, and even though i am pretty sure my insecurities are scaring him, he wants to hold my baggage and help me unpack them and that's scaring me. is there such a thing named love. do stomach butterflies really exist or are there figments of our imagination when given the drug that half closes eyes and gives the angels their angelic voices.

i'm not saying i will fall in love with dude, he doesn't even have a nickname yet...i am the queen of nicknames and he doesn't have one yet. signs of the good, the different? the lasting....? i am definitely in like with dude...but love is for losers. i mean, that's what i tell myself, because deep down i no longer believe i am worth the effort, the work to be great with someone.

but he makes me believe that i could one day...

and even though i am liking him more than a crush, it's been a little over a month since my world was shattered and the love of my life broke my heart. i no longer cry, but i do. i'm not ready to love. not ready to just be. not even ready to be touched, because my body still remembers...

my heart is no longer my own, in the midst of tears and pain i gave it back to God, vowing that any man that wants it needs to go to him (my daddy) to get it. dude makes me forget that vow, my heart wants to leap into his open hands and snuggle there.

but hearts are stupid.
i no longer will be.