too fine to drink the crazy juice...

i find it hilarious when one of the first questions a man asks upon meeting a woman is 'are you crazy?'
i've been asked that question a few times, and i hit them with the only crazy they will ever see from me...the WTH have you been smoking look...i'm not about all of that.

i know the mister was expecting me to be crazy, tracking him down and calling down his phone, telling him i was sorry and wanted him back (see best break up convo ever here). little did he know his number was deleted 1month before i offically built the curb and kicked him to it, and i had already started dating lev *shrugs*

i don't have time for all of that! being crazy, vengeful and pathetic takes time and effort, time i could be spending doing other things like bettering myself and my life to be prepared for someone better. and why would i go out of my way to make myself look like a fool? answer me....

i can't even no longer say i'm too pretty to be crazy because it's the pretty in the face but loose in the brains one's that are messing it up for all of us who don't give a dry foot back about nobody.

seriously,  whatever you give me will never be enough for me to want to stalk you, call down your job, harrass your next girl, become bff's with the parentals to stalk you third party..etc.no man is worth all that time and energy.  plus i doubt you'll be the one leaving me.

and if you are the one leaving me, best believe my saucy 'tude will play like i'm the one that left you.

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another 'ahem' begger

i really can't with men begging for sex. asking is one thing, because we all have the right to ask for what we want even if we don't get it, but when asking turns into 'please...please...please....please.....please....please'

-_- 

back when i was the kisser (over a year ago! mahn how time flies) i wrote about an 'ahem' begger. who would call me all the time, and by call i mean text too, asking me to sleep with him. omg...he would not let up, it became sooo unnattractive, like son! you have lost any form of points you had.

well, the 'ahem' begger has reincarnated. not only does dude beg for sex but also for any other kind of sexual stimulation. like, i know you want to be all up in me, but damn! no is no. persistence is one thing when you are trying to woo a girl, she turns you down and you try again, some can say that it's attractive. but when it comes to a girl giving her body, or pieces of to you, when she says no, she means no. and if she does end up giving it to you it's not because she sincerely wants to, it's to shut your begging arse up *exclamation point*

so, don't go asking her 'did you enjoy that' because even though her lips may say yes to spare your ego, her eyes will shoot 'no!' right at your's.

i really can't with the 'ahem' beggers.

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haha, found you

i've found my insecurites again.
not being good enough. not being pretty enough. christian enough. tall enough. polished enough. not smart enough. damn i can go on and on.

not being worth it.
sigh.

i don't know why. no, i do know why. i've always been insecure, but i've learned to fake my courageous amazingness. i want to say that other's have contributed to my loud mutedness, but i don't know if that is entirely true. but deep down i know it is because no one is born with a feeling of impending worthlessness. every one is born with the ability to just BE who they are. and love that person. and i don't think i love who i am.

i'm the queen of 'fake it til you make it'. but now i'm tired and only want to hibernate til life is over.

damn. i have a lot of issues.
lol

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my, how time flies

wow! where has the time gone, i think about you all the time, but i guess that's good enough because i don't write...i've been maddeningly busy, but i guess that's not good enough too.

i'm sorry.

well, to make up here is my life rundown...(i hope this is ok)

1. 'my date with bozo' opening night was a huge success. i have come so far from the stuttering nervous 'i'm not an actress' to 'i can see myself doing it on a reg'. i love it. my love for the stage has been heightened, i love it. adore it. the crowd loved the show, they laughed, awwed and were sincerely delighted at the happy ending. it was great. smooth (my highschool sweetheart) was also in the audience with his brother and brother's girlfriend, and they loved it, but he wasn't happy about my on-stage love though. he was very jealous, it was cute. 2 more shows and then it will be over. and that makes me sad.

2. i've been seeing this guy for a few months now, and things are ok, but not great. we use to spend sooo much time together, and now we barely see each other. somethings happened that strained the relationship, the main one being i don't want to be in a relationship...it's too soon. and that seems to frustrate him. i don't know how long this will last, i like him..but....*shrugs*

3. i've basically stopped swearing. *applauding myself*, once in a while i am tempted to drop a bomb, but God keeps my mouth together. when i was with sweetthing, my mouth became soo foul, granted it was always foul, since my 2nd year of university, but being with him caused it to be downright disgusting, and now that's he's gone, it's diminished, greatly. and for this i'm thankful, bcause a woman with a foul mouth is very unattractive and very un-Christ like.

4. i dyed my hair blonde. i'm still waiting for the 'more fun part though'. but i love it, it has brightened up my face and really enhanced my confidence (as if i need more confidence). my parents hate it and secretly i love that too. lol

5. i 'came out' to my mother. that is a story for another day.

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can i ask a question...

why is it that most men think just because i have big, full, amazingly gorgeous lips, that i give good head?

*blank stare*

#1 you don't know me...how shallow is your penis thinking behind that you think all girls with big lips can give good head? what if i had creepy crawlies all up in my mouth? you deserve to have them all over your sons and daughters for that stupid thinking.

#2 do you disrespect me and yourself that much that you would have someone you don't know from eve slobbering all over your jewels? aren't i a woman? aren't i the mother of nations and tribes. aren't you a king deserving of a queen? no, i guess when the mood is right, you are just another peewee brain thinking dude, searching for a lick from a peasent...i won't even say 2, i'm sure one would be sufficient enough.

#3 what if my big lips held a big secret...like a huge overbite. you must want to get chomped on.

i don't mind being complimented on my lips, granted i personally am not a huge fan of them because i think they are a tad too big, but still it is nice to hear it once in a while.
but you must be fooled into breathing to think i would be attracted to you when you come to me with 'your lips are amazing, you must give good head'

*blank stare*

i don't care if you want to think that, think whatever you want, but when it begins to slip out from between your teeth, think really hard about it because i will throw down a prayer and baptize you with my stink eye.

....i'm pretty sure this is one of those backward thinking norms like ' all mixed children/people are cute ', or ' all light skinned people are cocky ' or ' all pastors kids are freaks'

i'm pretty sure it's one of those things.
end of rant.

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first rehearsal: that's all folks.

sooo, rememeber how i was freaking out about this play i joined?
terrifed of not being funny enough?
pfff...oh please.

last night was our first rehearsal/read through, and my nerves completely got the best of me. and i officially freaked out. i talk about it not so often, but many of you know that i have a speech impediment, basically i stutter. and i hate it with all the life within me.

last night, tired, well exhausted really...hungery, frustrated, emotionally drained (and stimulated), and nervous, i was a prime candidate for 'make a fool of myself' day. minute. with all eyes staring at me, mouth open to read my line i blank. the words just would not come out. i'm sure my face was as red as ever, it felt like it was melting off my skeleton that's for damn sure..sigh. i was sooo embarrased. but it's happened to me many times before and so i should be use to it by now, but i'm not. and i probably never will be.

i had to pray. and hard. "God, please calm my nerves and help me to not look like an imcompetent idiot as i' sure everyone is thinking right now'..'she's pretty, but probably highly stupid'

i slighty recovered from death by embarassment and stumbled my way throught it.
and the worst thing was the director came and asked me 'do you stutter?'
OMG...kill me right now!!!! before or after the dunce hat is delicately placed on my head..PLEASE!

i realized last night, how weak i am when i am thrust out into the open on my own.
O_O <---deer in headlights. aka. me.

sigh...updates to follow.

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