i asked...you answered

for the past few weeks i've been asking God this question....

'God, why is it that most people come to serve you after some sort of loss, tragedy or the in the midst of pain?' because truthfully i didn't understand it. God is good, why not serve him when things are good? why go running to him when something horrible happens to you.

this question coming from my lukewarm heart. i became content in my own happiness without even realizing it. telling other people to not be happy in who or what is in their life, but to happy in God. without even seeing that was exactly where i was.

and then on tuesday, my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me.

i thought i was going to die. he was the love of my life. i loved him like i have loved no other. he was the good in my life. he was my happiness. he was the reason i smiled. he was my bliss. i thought our love would be the one that lasted forever, never getting tired to repeat the story of how we met. and he broker my heart no warning. nothing. over email. i read it at work. i thought i was going to die.

i lost all will to eat, i couldn't sleep. i cried for the whole week. made the most mistakes at work. had to take bathroom breaks every hour to go into the stall and bawl. the whole time asking God 'why?' 'why did you allow this to happen to me? he was my happiness'

and God spoke to my heart and my spirit at a young adult retreat i decided to attend last minute, because i didn't want to be cooped up in my room dealing with my pain alone.

'I am your happiness'
'I am your bliss'
'he will not love you forever, but i will'

and the process of healing began. and i understood. knowing and reciting God is good is different from knowing God as your healer, the one that loves you soo intensely with a love that doesn't relent. knowing him as the one who wakes you up is different from knowing him as the one that literally keeps you together. when you go through an experience that reveals God on a different level in your life, the relationship becomes that much stronger, that much more intense and that much more real.

yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me. so what. right? *shrugs*

through this experience i have truly felt the forever love of God like never before. i loved sweet thing with an intense love that happens once in a lifetime, and God had to take that away for me to see Him as the intense love that lasts a lifetime. we often say it, but don't understand it. God is jealous for us. not of us. for us. and when we as christians place possessions or people on the same level or above God, His intense love yearns for us even more and doesn't relent. and that was where sweet thing was 'he was my bliss. my happiness'

(many more experiences and lessons have come from this and i will be sharing.)
i have also learned to be careful what i ask, even in simple questioning, because the understanding comes at price.

this is the song that really began the healing process this weekend. i have always loved this song. but know i can say i truly know and understand this song.

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one to seven...

...random truths about moi (because i know you want to know)

* when said enough times the words 'a' and 'the' begin to make no sense to me
* i am mildly afraid of the dark
* i write worship songs that are sung by the worship team i lead
* i love to smell babies feet...only the ones that walk though
* Lord of the Rings is one of my favorite movies. of all time.
* i was told by a co-worker i should write erotic novels.
* 7 is my favorite number.

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whores and sticky notes

so, i'm fresh from watching tyler perry's 'for coloured girls'. i will not make mention of my reaction as this is not what this post is about, but i will share my thoughts on one aspect of the movie.

tanzi. a character in the movie played by thandie newton. and she played a very good whore too, very convincing, but as i was watching the movie and her character's straight, curved, narrow, long, short and stumpy path to destruction, i had an 'uhmmm moment'.

here goes....

tanzi, like many women was a whore because her father touched her. sexually molested her. so to fill her emptiness and her longing for love, to feel love which escalated into the need to feel desired, she filled her soul with meaningless sex. and i get that. sadly that happens too often. as i briefly shared before, i too was sexually touched repeatedly by a family member which caused me to now have to battle my own demons, namely being bisexuality. so i get it.

but about what the women who are whores because they want to be? no daddy fingers, no touchy babysitters, nothing like that, good home, good family, good upbringing, but they themselves have loose morals, no sense of consequence, and a MASSIVE love for sex. they choose to be in the company of dick, dick, and dick. choice by choice.
it seems like it's so easy to slap a label on everything these days...'you are, because of'...'you do, because this was done'...'it's not your fault'. and like i said, i get that. but i also get people being accountable for their actions, and choices. i get women being bold enough, and grown enough to own up to who they are without feeling compelled to be covered by a sticky note. a label.

for those suffering because of the actions and crappy decisions of others. i'm sorry, and i know there is healing. i am reaching out to God for mine.

for those looking to be covered by a sticky note so they don't have to face themselves in the mirror, and come in genuine contact with who they have chosen to be. grow up. there is no beauty and no confidence in denial. i'm not saying being a whore is right. but if you are by your decision, you should be confident enough in your decision to own up to it. people that have nothing to hide, do not hide behind meaningless labels.

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